There was a time I wanted to give up. I don’t mean my dreams, but for real!
I’ll never forget the mental space I was in 13 years ago. I was 33 and going through the toughest period of my life. It was 2008 and I had 4 children, 10, 6, 3 & 2 and was managing the home. I say managing, but really, I wasn’t even capable of managing myself out of my pyjamas! I didn’t care that I drove my kids to school in my dressing gown or relied on friends as often as I could. I was lost, because I had suffered tremendous loss.
In the space of 18 months, I had been through two court proceedings, lost possession of my house, been homeless, living 6 months in a hostel with my kids, lost my furniture, my belongings, and after moving into a new home, lost my father to terminal cancer 4 months later, whilst simultaneously losing my marriage after an infidelity confession by my husband. It was all gone!
Shock was probably the best way to describe my emotional state for several months after. I barely registered the days, lost in my own numbed mind. I’d like to say that my kids kept me going, and I suppose they did looking back, but at the time, they were one of the serious reasons I contemplated leaving this plane…honestly, I just felt that I had failed them in every sense of the word!
I tried to be positive and even angry at the world but some days it was unbearable because I felt nothing! I questioned aloud “How can anyone live through this much loss”? My body ached from an internal grief that I couldn’t even consciously register, and I felt exhausted all the time. In autopilot, I got what I needed done and mostly retreated into myself. I didn’t sleep at night, but I liked the night. Nobody wanted anything from me. And it belonged to me. But by dawn I was always tired and so would sleep for a couple of hours.
I reasoned I couldn’t carry on this way. My kids needed me more than ever. They had lost so much too!
Feeling bad, I went from feeling numb to angry, this was good! I felt something! I started questioning everything, Life, God, Spirituality. It was during these moments of deep darkness, that I evaluated my purpose. Who am I? How can I overcome this sadness? What’s the purpose of my life?
I began to research, meditate, pray, forgive, accept and slowly began opening to opportunity. Afterall, I had my health, my children and a few wonderful friends. I created goals, started changing my mind chatter, and began noticing things I was grateful for. Slowly, the opportunities showed up, and with it, my life started to change.
I made a choice to succeed, not surrender!. I now see all my past trials as triumphs, understanding that when I changed my Perspective, it changed my Perception!