I had been under the dictatorship of cocaine addiction for my entire adult life until I finally said NO MORE (and meant it) in May 2021.
Learning how to ‘feel’ and to be ok with ‘feeling’ has been the biggest shock to the system. Having feelings, identifying and navigating them…it’s a full-time job! I was wholly unprepared for one, having run away from them and myself for the best of 20 years.
I NEVER imagined I’d give it up. I never wanted to! And be left with just ME? Errr, no thanks!
I had NO idea what people did at a weekend if they didn’t get on it. I didn’t want to know either…boring! And yet here I am. Living a life, I never thought possible for ‘someone like me.
Today I am 8 months clean (Jan 2022) and getting stronger every day.
I have a 3-year-old who has been the catalyst for the biggest transformation of my life – but even having him wasn’t enough to get me off the drugs for good. Because I didn’t WANT to leave that life behind
That life equated to freedom in some twisted way in my head
It was downtime. Me time…
More like a ‘waste of your life’ time.
Until one day, I couldn’t even do it anymore.
I was so done with the comedowns, the constant tiredness, and the inability to trust what I think because I didn’t know if it was really what I thought or some after-effect of a recent session.
I got fed up with letting people down, of lying.
Sick of the guilt and shame that were my besties.
So
I quit
Just like that
And it’s been the BEST decision of my life. And from there, I set about finding a way to turn my pain into power. To make it all worthwhile. I felt a deep calling to help others trapped by their own choices.
Those fighting a sometimes silent battle against addiction.
I knew I wanted to give a voice, hope, and inspiration to others that can’t or won’t speak for themselves.
I wanted to show what is possible by going first, owning my truth, sharing my story authentically and without shame to hold a massive torch and shine it brightly into the world of addiction, bringing others out of the darkness
I was 39 years old when I sat my mum down and shared the depths of my despair, the magnitude of the addiction. A few days later, I shared the story on Facebook, holding myself to the highest level of accountability. These actions put my life on a different trajectory permanently.
I’ve found that on the other side of the fear, “WHAT IS LIFE without [insert addiction]” The most beautiful existence resides.
There is hope, joy and love. We can recover. We do heal.
Is it easy? Not all the time.
Is it worth it? ALWAYS.
