Through my teens I experienced several sexually traumatic events that no girl or woman should ever have to go through; I was raped at the age of 15 years by a man who was someone I trusted at my local swimming club, I was a virgin and naïve enough to think that he offered me a lift home out of kindness!
That lift cost me the rest of my childhood, a potential competitive swimming career, my education, some good friendships as well as my femininity and dignity. It left me feeling violated, ashamed, and dirty! So I didn’t tell a soul (until I was 42!).
I tried to pretend it never happened and for a while it worked, then at 18, just when I was starting to trust men again, I was drugged and raped by a friend of my then boyfriend, I remember vividly how helpless and vulnerable I felt.
This event sent me over the edge, and I remember as a result distinctly planning my own suicide, it would have been very easy for me to do, at the time I was working as a Veterinary Nurse and lived in accommodation above the surgery. I had access to the poisons cupboard and recall going as far as reaching for a drug which I knew would be fatal to me.
For all that, I know I´m not alone, some of you reading this will – and can – relate.
Needless to say these experiences had a very negative impact on my intimate relationships. I remember having a promiscuous phase prior to meeting my ex-husband.
I desperately wanted love and to feel lovable. I made the mistake – as do many girls – of using sex to get this need met; so I went from not caring about my welfare and feeling totally needy and out of control (which only resulted in more hurt and distrust of men) to unconsciously looking for a man (my ex-husband) who would offer me protection, safety, love, stability and who would also let me take total control of the relationship.
I got my wish, for the 23 years I was with my ex-husband I was in control, I also wore an invisible suit of armour and where intimacy was concerned, I was for the most part frigid and confused!
I subsequently divorced this perfectly good man, not because I wasn´t happy, but because I felt there was something missing. There was no passion and although there was love and intimacy, in the main we had a ‘friendship’ type relationship, but the thing that I didn´t realise at the time was that this was mostly my own fault, a response to my own controlling behaviour.
Today I’m a love and soul-mate relationship expert and have a soul-mate relationship full of red hot passion, intimacy, and massive connection, where I feel alive, loved and cherished above and beyond my wildest dreams; I´ve realised this is what I´ve been craving all my adult life!
