Steps!!! Recovery!!! Does it work?
I’m Satty, a grateful recovering alcoholic, compulsive gambler, addict, and adult child.
What an introduction!
My upbringing was unhappy. Externally my family were respected religiously and in the community. Behind closed doors, however, there was chaos, pain, and relentless physical and mental abuse. Aged 7, I climbed onto a stool, grabbed a bottle of aspirin, and swallowed the tiny round discs. I wanted to leave this disturbed world for half a century. Still here!
At 14 I dishonoured my family by breaking my silence. My 15-year-old betrayal saw me whisked to India and forced into an arranged marriage. My Father attempted to keep my mother and me in India, but soon, we were back in Slough. That marriage was abusive! My father placed me with someone like himself.
When legally able, I left home thinking my life was my own, no one will ever hurt me again. I was wrong. I worked and partied hard and took as many illegal substances as possible. This became my life for many years. I was promiscuous and didn’t care about anyone.
Becoming a mum at 34, I felt inadequate for my little miracle. An angel from Social Services arrived and told me that I could become what he needed. I was disabled and couldn’t even lift him. Many outside agencies helped, and because of their hard work, we were together.
My life was messy. I was drinking vodka upon waking. I needed substances to sleep. At the stroke of midnight, I became a gambler. I would gamble day and night and couldn’t even feed my son. He went to school with duct tape around his shoes because I gambled the money. I put us both in danger for cash.
I hated life and the person I was, and I was going nowhere; LET ME DIE!!!!!!!
My first 12-step programme was my awakening aged 51. Five weeks later, I walked into my second 12-step programme. Trying to do it alone for four months led me to 2 suicide attempts in December 2019. I HIT MY ROCK BOTTOM.
In the end, with nowhere to go, I looked inward and finally heard the message of Hope. Taking a risk, I reached out to someone to sponsor me, and she said yes! Our backgrounds were different, but she had this way about her. A gentle, calm, strong serene soul. Our journey was bumpy, but she had what I needed. With a combination of my Higher Power, the Big Book, external help with step 4, her generous sponsorship and precious time, I was gifted a life. Over three years, I found sponsors in both programmes and worked on the steps in the other programme. I have learned how to be a woman, friend, and sister and, ultimately, to love the whole of me. No longer living in fear or isolation, I ask for help.
Proud and present as a mum, I make daily living amends to those I have hurt. The fear that held me in darkness and self-hate has gone. Today I choose to live in the light, to love, and to do the right thing. I CHOOSE LIFE.
I pay it forward today because of what I was given so freely.
Just for today, I will stay clean, sober and gamble-free.
