The Little Girl Knew…

This little girl knew she would one day publish a book.  It wasn’t a dream or a wish, it was a bodily knowing, unquestionable.  I didn’t tell anyone but knew, in the future, I’d write a book.

This knowing was a deep drive.  It gave me hope and a sense there were big things ahead.  That I myself was big.  Because the truth was that now, in my daily childhood life, I was constantly terrified…of being overwhelmed, seeing things differently to others and not being able to share how I really felt.

Born from birth trauma and into a family with complex dynamics, I felt alone and afraid.  The only times I felt safe was when I was outside in the garden, communing with the big blue sky, dark gritty earth, colourful flowers and buzzing insects.  There I could be. 

This teenager was troubled, conflicted inside, incredibly shy and at the same time noisy.  Nobody knew how I really felt, and I rarely ever cried.  I was busy helping others, doing what I could for those I saw in pain.  Nobody told me to do that, or acknowledged it, but I loved it nonetheless… 

A breakdown at 18 was followed by further breakdowns in my twenties, thirties and forties.  A breakdown doesn’t always look like being in a hospital.  For me, it was at first a conscious giving up, because I couldn’t go on any longer…I had to stop.

What stopped was the show of being OK when I really felt that I wasn’t.  It was a journey of layers, as I found healers and therapists, teachers and teachings that made sense and helped me become more of who I knew myself on the inside to really be. 

There were lots of difficult times, and lots of discovery, exploration, finding resources and slowly – piece-by-piece – finding myself.  When in the midst of difficulty, it’s impossible to see what is really going on within the full arc of body and soul life.  I didn’t know what would happen, or if I would ‘make it.’

In my mid-twenties, I wrote the first part of the book, a raw, emotional rant, knowing that I would write the second part when I would be healed and evolved.  That is how it happened.

A few years ago – now an experienced therapist myself of 25 years – I sat down to write, and the wisdom poured out from my heart to the reader.  In the park, cafes, bed, on trains… 

My book was rejected several times by publishers, then, last year, I was delighted to hear it would be internationally published!  It’s called ‘The Healing Power of Pleasure’.  I’m touched, humbled, delighted and proud that despite the ups and downs of life, the girl’s deep knowing came true.  My destiny is being fulfilled. 

I’ve learnt, with patience and determination, that everything can be healed.  Pain can be transformed into pleasure.  Smarter than mind, our inner wisdom knows… 

Wishing you healing, transformation and soulful achievements.

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